and i hate that i love you so
As much as I love youAs much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile?
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so
i REFUSE to buy my own bday gift with ur moolah.
rah.
so u owe me big time, and i expect 22 (just cause i like the number) diamond bracelets when u get back.
grumbles.
rahhhh
10:28 PM
Monday, October 29, 2007
i finished my soci essay! but i exceeded the word limit.
i told my boyfriend i was going to stop spending on clothes and save up to get my diamonds.and im typing it here to remind myself.
coz online shopping is sooooooo tempting.
sulks.
rahhhh
2:05 AM
Sunday, October 28, 2007
its muh birthday man.
my birthday is coming in less then a month!o yay!
and so, all i want for my birthday is...........
A DIAMOND BRACELET.
okok
rewind,
lets make this sweet n subtle n not tht materialistic like.
o my birthday is coming! (gives out a sweet chirpy yet damsel like sigh)
o how i wish n i wish n wish.
i cld have a happy happy birthday.
o how i wish there wld be flowers filling my room,
o and there, on my cute little pink table.
is a little turqoise green box.
(digressing to add on to the suspense)
(gasping loudly) "o turqoise green my favourite colour!(obvious fib, but hey, its my bday man)
"o how wonderful life is to me"
"o what a lovely lovely box!"
"o i wonder whats in such a lovely box?" (innocent curiousity factor included)
(opens up the box in a gentle delicate manner, not the rip it up thing ok)
(gives a surprised lil gasp, covers mouth u know the girly way)
"o its a DIAMOND BRACELET"
"o how lucky i feel"
"o im so loved"
"but of course the turqoise green box is so quaint as well"
in actual fact this wld be me:
"sia la my birthday man!"
"yippeeeeee!"
"give me my present now now now i say!"
"what u mean after the exams"
"u better give me my present now hor"
sees the STILL TURQOISE GREEN BOX.
(big hint)
(rips up the wrapping)
"o my tian!!!!!!!! O YAY O YAY O YAY, im so loving u"
(tosses the wrapper away)
(proceeds to wear the bracelet n flaunt it to everyone possible)
ok, amused myself enough, hur hur.
u realise the gu niang version has alot of"Os"
i thought it was v tesman in hedda gabbler.
hur hur.
irritating but o-so-typical.
in case u dunno.
my birthday is on the 22ND OF NOVEMBER.
wheeeee.
rahhhh
1:24 AM
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
thanks alot.
fugging depressed,to the state where i wonder wad im doing,
im reduced to the state tht i havta buy flowers for myself to cheer myself up
how pathetic is that.
and all i hav is myself ta blame.
you know i love you so much sumtimes,
and get so depressed over you sometimes.
i seriously do not need a birthday gift of free roller-coaster rides
(both literally and figuratively)
not from you not from you, i know now in ur head u will be thinking something along the lines of its me? its me? and start getting all guilty wad not.
but u know, lighten up a little.
i just want to be happy,
and i want you to make me happy.
happy-er.
wad not.
and im happy sometimes,
really.
but somethings are real killjoy-ers,
in a hur hur sense, and in a o man sense.
and i realise i havta simplify and mention every single detail,
in case u misinterpret,
which most of the times u do.
but im still grateful that u even did anything.
just that
im greedy.
ok, sorry.
its amazing how i hate you and love you all at the same time.
and no, if ure thinking hate means i want to kill u hate, no no no, thats not wad i mean.......
hate as in the argh! cant stand you-but yet u r oblivious hate.
not the my boyfriend is a loser hate.
OOOK.
i still love you you know.
rahhhh
11:56 PM
Friday, October 12, 2007
o wells, life goes on i guess.
its hard to feel or show happiness when i feel terribly alone.i wonder if its the pms.
but o wells.
its kinda like hard to really get on with my social life, and im turnin into a recluse.
its worse when ur boyfriend whom i rely heavily on for some sense of security n self assurance is somewhere far with nonsensical phone bills and wadnots.
somehow or other sum weird sense of insecurity kicks in,
and i feel so much alone.
and yet, i guess if we apply wad we learnt from lit,
this emptiness reigns in all,
and its a matter of whether or not u detect it,
which is o so depressing.
its tiring getting on with my mundane everyday life,
flooded with work,
that i dunno howta begin.
i feel so hedda gabbler,
sulks.
on the bright side,
the lit test and nation building papers went pretty well,
ok the results were kinda average since everyone scored pretty high.
so its up to soci now,
o ya,
and.....
my two projects,
three essays,
one reflection,
one upcoming lecture test.
my schedule frightens me a little.
ok not a little.
A HELL LOT.
and i miss my boyfriend, its kinda like, a dependency, which is bad, im feeding my insecurites,
sometimes i get confused,
i wonder what love is,
and whether im in love,
or in dependency.
i wish i could make up my mind,
and stick with it.
one way or another,
i miss him,
i miss you.
i hate the fact that i feel inadequate.
the fact that i cant show people how much i treasure them.
i kinda find it hard to hug anyone for that matter,
kids i can do easily, but either then that, i feel a tad of abstainment from hugs.
the open ur arms n dive urself in sort.
and if u eva doubt that i love you,
maybe i do,
maybe i doubt you love me back too,
coz im too sick of being loved a little less,
and i cant afford opening up to anyone who might possess that potential to make me feel
loved, a little less.
guess thats why, i tell people i love them,
(not much to you)
but to people in general,
and im so afraid of kids feeling loved less,
coz then they might grow up like me,
with that constant sense and dread of being lesser, lesser and lesser loved.
because love is what really sustains and consumes everything,
no?
but when i tell you that i love you, though rare, i really do, cause somewhere within me, i took that little risk to be loved back fully, and not any little less.
thats why its scary, to know that one day, u might stop loving me, but i will never know.
its too early to say forever, but whats the harm in a little promise of assurance that might well last me that little longer, before the next breakdown.
